One night, exitsign was peppering me with facts about the canonical and timeline issues of Saved By the Bell. Don't ask why.



carleton97: I would like to slash him, but - OMG ZACH MORRIS IS THE PERFECT XOVER CHARACTER.
exitsign: salkjl;kl;k he is, dude.
carleton97: You know my crazy xover brain. What with Pacey and Bright and Pacey and Adam/Adina. I wanted to do Pacey and Doogie Howser, but Zach/Doogie is SO MUCH BETTER.
exitsign: oh my god, i almost choked on my dinner.
exitsign: YES. YES YES YES!!!!!
carleton97: ;laksd;lkjf
exitsign: now.
carleton97: omg, backtracking one moment. Even better would be Pacey/Bright/Adam(adina). muahahahah.
exitsign: the thing about zach is that even totally straight people and people involved in serious relationships want to have sex with him. name one character on saved by the bell who didn't.
exitsign: oh, dude.
carleton97: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
carleton97: Oh, word.
exitsign: your brain is such a beautiful place.
carleton97: EVERYONE wanted Zach.
exitsign: yep.
carleton97: I dont' even remember. Did he end up marrying Kelli?
exitsign: yes. in the wedding in vegas tv movie.
exitsign: i imagine she was pregnant.
carleton97: for real, or is that just you?
exitsign: dude. come on.
carleton97: right, right.
exitsign: i hated the whole zach/kelly thing. did you know there was a whole episode where zach and lisa got together, convinced screech to get over her and even kissed. but they never revisited it.
carleton97: the hell?
exitsign: this one site said it was because of the interracial thing and i guess that could be true but... eh, this isn't 1950s alabama.
carleton97: but they were, what, like 20 when they got married?
exitsign: yeah.
carleton97: I have no idea about timeline stuff.
exitsign: wedding in vegas was in 1994.
exitsign: and zach was in 8th grade in 1987.
carleton97: I do remember that Kelli had like a zillion siblings she took care of. So imagine they've been married a handful of years. They finish up college(do we know what career aspiriations either had?) and they're living some boring suburban life. And I think Kelli thinks she's pregnant. But it turns out to be a false alarm. It wakes her up though. It's like she's been living in this fog her whole life and all of a sudden she's like, "hello! no. Not what I want." and she's gone and nothing Zach says can make her change her mind.
exitsign: and then gay porn.
exitsign: that? totally works, dude.
carleton97: And zach is totally adrift, because shit like that? just flat out *doesn't happen to him*.
carleton97: So he's not quite sure what to do.
exitsign: he's zach morris, man.
exitsign: another thing is that, like, since the beginning of saved by the bell, it's been ALL ABOUT zach and kelly getting together. he's been wanting that since he was, like, 15.
exitsign: (or, if you go with what he said to slater, 13)
carleton97: And, frankly, the routine that won over legions of high school girls and middle aged school teachers? Really doesn't fly wiht up and coming career women and professionals.
carleton97: Right!
carleton97: He doesn't even *know*, really, how to talk to not-kelli women.
exitsign: right.
carleton97: because what was slick and charming when he was 14 is sort of sad and skeezy when he's 27.
exitsign: i think that he's still charming. but you have to have something else to back it up. and luck isn't going to cut it.
carleton97: oh, yes.
carleton97: totally.
exitsign: salkjklj oh, god. zach with drinks thrown in his face.
carleton97: he's still charming, but he's not used to having to back it up. Exactly.
carleton97: like he's still thinking he can get buy wiht a grin and a wink.
carleton97: Which, yeah, will get his foot in the door, but not much farther.
exitsign: god, i'm nodding like a fucking bobblehead doll.
carleton97: so, he's *alone* for the first time EVER, basically.
exitsign: the great thing about saved by the bell, is that it's so fucking STUPID most of the time, you can basically ignore every single thing that ever happened as long as you can get the characterization.
exitsign: zaaaach.
carleton97: And it gives him time to think.
carleton97: Which he fucking HATES.
exitsign: like, he calls screech and screech is, like, in a hottub on a yacht with these swedish twins who don't speak a world of english because he accidentally invented some amazing computer thing or, like, single-handedly revolutionized the whole robot thing and put the world just that much closer to a robot-aided existence.
exitsign: oh, zach totally hates to think.
exitsign: like, he does. and he can. he's not stupid by any means. it's just that... he's not a thinky guy. he's not fucking *deep*. he's never had to be.
exitsign: even in college, things just fell together for him. things have *always* fallen together for him.
carleton97: Yes!
carleton97: And Screech has no words of wisdom for him.
carleton97: And Jessie is all, 'what? you expected her to just subjugate blah blah blah...'
exitsign: and he's all "she called you already, huh?"
carleton97: Heh.
exitsign: even though he's known her longer, he knew she would take kel's side.
carleton97: And Slater ... I don't even know what he says.
exitsign: you can't even get ahold of slater, he's, like, in the jungle doing some bizarre commando shit.
carleton97: ;alksdjflkasdjf YES.
carleton97: heh.
carleton97: he even thinks about calling Mr. Belding, but - oh hey, no! SCreech is the asst. principal. In SbtB TNG or whatever.
exitsign: we will never speak of this again, leah.
exitsign: as bad as saved by the bell was? that shit was WORSE.
exitsign: ignore, deny, repress. ignore, deny, repress.
carleton97: laksdjfl This is just for us, yes.
carleton97: Right, and the shittiest part? Zach reallly sort of wanted that baby, too.
exitsign: awwwwww!! oh, zach.
carleton97: LIke, really? His wants out of life were simple. A house. Kelli, a family.
carleton97: And they sold the house to split the proceeds in teh divorce.
carleton97: so here's Zach Morris. Twenty seven. Divorced. Living by himself for the first time ever. In a sad, lonely apartment.
exitsign: *sniffles*
exitsign: he should be able to bounce back from this. he *should*.
exitsign: but he can't.
carleton97: Right. Yes.
carleton97: he tries.
exitsign: so hard.
carleton97: Once the divorce is final and Kelli has picked up and ... moved to Oregon, or something, he tries.
carleton97: He lets dudes from work take him out to bars and sign him for for speed dating but... he just can't find his footing.
exitsign: it's *weird*. it's like he lost more than just his wife and his house, it's like this defeat took his mojo away or something. :-(
carleton97: Yes!
carleton97: he's lost his mojo! He's *NEVER* lost his mojo before!
carleton97: (also, career?)
exitsign: i'm trying to find something on anything he studied in college.
carleton97: heh. thanks.
carleton97: right, so, even though he'd never admit it, he's floundering. Plus, all this *thinking* and *remembering* has led him down some paths he'd like to not know about. Paths that lead to thoughts of Slater when he was 16 and the swimmer that lived down the hall his freshman year in college.
exitsign: Zack gets off on the wrong foot with his new professor of anthropology, why the fuck would zach take anthropology? that just seems *weird*.
exitsign: oh, zach.
carleton97: probably to get a soft science credit out of the way.
exitsign: yes, make sense where there is none! good girl.
carleton97: So that just makes him try EVEN HARDER when he's out with work buddies at the bar or club or whatever.
exitsign: yes. because he's zach morris, he's not GAY. like, he's easy-going, he's liberal, he's cool with anybody being whatever they wanna be. but he's not fucking gay. he's all about the ladies.
carleton97: Except it seems like the ladies are not so much about him anymore.
exitsign: poor, poor zach.
carleton97: He's a mess.
carleton97: where the hell was doogie howser set?
carleton97: L.A.
carleton97: Perfect. I thought it was chicago for some reason.
carleton97: anyway.
exitsign: huh, i thought it was that a'way too.
exitsign: Zack and Kelly make plans for their wedding. Lisa, Lesley and Alex fight to be the maid of honour, and Zack chose Screech as his best man, because Slater thinks the wedding is a bad idea. ahahah, i'll bet he does.
carleton97: a;lsdjsd
carleton97: oh, Slater.
exitsign: they apparently get engaged at the end of the first (only) season of college years.
carleton97: He's a big old closet case.
exitsign: the hell?
carleton97: the timeline does not add up. Do not try.
exitsign: which is why he's in the jungle.
exitsign: being a commando.
exitsign: with gay sex.
exitsign: and killing things.
carleton97: ;alskjf
exitsign: Kelly is accepted to the Semester on the Sea program, which involves a three-month cruise.
carleton97: the hell?
exitsign: oh, dude. look at this shit. However, just as the ship is getting ready to sail, Zack shows up with flowers for Kelly to say goodbye "the right way." Kelly suddenly decides she wants to marry Zack right away. They run off the ship just before it sails.
exitsign: she missed this cruise that she wanted to go on to go get married to him.
exitsign: sea program. the fuck?
exitsign: but still.
carleton97: Yeah. This is a decision that leads to regret.
exitsign: prime shit right there.
carleton97: Even if it takes a few years.
exitsign: totally.
exitsign: what has zach ever given up for ANYONE?
carleton97: woooooord.
carleton97: And even if he wasn't being specifically *selfish*, he's never been selfless.
exitsign: exactly. like, he thinks about other people, he's a good guy, he donates to green peace or whatever. but he just... he's number one in his head. because he's always been number one to everybody else, it seems like.
exitsign: it's not to be a jerk, it's just how it *is*.
carleton97: right, he's got that well-off white liberal sense of entitlement that he can't even *see*.
carleton97: it just *is*.
exitsign: so much nodding.
carleton97: so he's pretty much in a sea of self pity.
carleton97: So, as if things weren't bad ENOUGH, he manages to fuck up his knee playing basketball (he volunteers at the Y or something).
exitsign: he would so do that. and seeing as how that was basically what happened to him in the zach has surgery episode, this is like a bad fucking dream, man.
carleton97: Right! Because his knee was fucked up to begin with.
exitsign: yes.
carleton97: And his fucking GP retired the week before and he hasn't bothered finding a new one yet, so he lets one oof the guys from the Y drive him to the local clinic.
carleton97: ok. math time.
carleton97: what year was the wedding? and how old were they supposed to be?
exitsign: http://homepage.mac.com/ijball/SbtB/TCY/history.html
carleton97: ok. so 1994 is the wedding and they're... probably 19, right?
exitsign: roughly, yes. maybe almost 20 or something.
carleton97: ok.
carleton97: so 1994 = 20 for Zach we'll say.
exitsign: mpg was poor in 74, i think. he's about the age zach is supposed to be, isn't he?
exitsign: i have no idea. askljlk
exitsign: NOT POOR. born,
exitsign: jesus christ.
exitsign: hello, brain, are you in there?
carleton97: And Doogie started in '89 and he's 16 .
carleton97: so in /94, he'd be 21, so they're of an age.
exitsign: yaay.
carleton97: BUT, in 2001/2002, Doogie's been a doctor for like 12 years.
carleton97: heh.
exitsign: salkjl;k
exitsign: awww, doog.
exitsign:
Patient: You're a kid.
Douglas 'Doogie' Howser: True, but I'm also a genius. If you have a problem with that I can get you someone who's older but not as smart as me.
carleton97: But he's going by Doug now.
exitsign: thank fucking god, man.
carleton97: Heh.
carleton97: Even though I hate that name.
exitsign: i know, right?
exitsign: but it just doesn't fit a man who's nearly thirty.
exitsign: though... does his family still call him that?
carleton97: of course.
exitsign: awww.
carleton97: nick names are impossible to get away from.
carleton97: We're all still Leapy, Paulie, and Dessy.
exitsign: leahtard.
carleton97: heh.
carleton97: anyway. So he goes to this clinic and the doctor on duty is young. Zach thinks all doctors are/should be wise old men or women.
carleton97: This guy's his age, you know?
carleton97: so he's all, "So you must be the bottom of the totem pole, right? To draw the short straw and work the weekends?"
carleton97: And teh doctor is all, *eyebrow*. "Actually, I own the clinic.:
exitsign: LITTLE DOES HE KNOW.
exitsign: aaaaaaaaaahahahahah
exitsign: oh, zach.
exitsign: no wonder his knee is killing him with his foot in his mouth like that.
carleton97: And Zach doesn't knwo if he's pulling his leg, or if he inherited it from someone or WHAT. So he tries again. "Wow, it must be nice having a clinic of your own pretty much right out of med school."
exitsign: aaaaaaaa
carleton97: and *again* the guy is all, "I've been practicing medicine for twelve years."
carleton97: And Zach KNOWS that's bull shit because if the guy is 25, he'll eat his own shoe.
carleton97: And by now the doctor is done examining his knee and is all, "You need an orthopedic surgeon. Also? A proctologist to remove your head from your ass."
exitsign: eeeeeeeeeee
carleton97: and zach is all, "It's been a very rough year."
exitsign: awwwwwwww, zach! :-(
carleton97: so Doogie takes pity on him. And is all, "yeah?" And everything just sort of spills out of Zach because he hasn't really had anyone to talk to, you know?
carleton97: Kelly was his best friend.
exitsign: omg.
exitsign: oh, my heart clenched up.
carleton97: and he's fucking MORTIFIED when he's done dumping on this poor doctor, you know? So he just books it out of there as fast as his gimpy knee will let him.
carleton97: Here's the deal: Zach was not a bad husband. In fact he was probably a very good one.
carleton97: Kelly just didnt' want to be married anymore. Period. And I dont' think they know how to be friends - just friends.
exitsign: right. i mean, they were always sort of friends but, no, zach was always trying to get with her. even when he was with other girls, it was still "this is just until i get kelly." and, like, once they've not only fucked god knows how many times but shared a bathroom and bills and could've had a fucking BABY, she just can't. maybe one day, many years down the line, but not now. she just needs to have a zach-free life for a while.
carleton97: exactly. And that just makes no sense to him. Because Kelly was his *life*.
exitsign: yep.
carleton97: right, so he runs away and goes to the orthopedic surgeon to get his knee fixed up.
carleton97: thanking god he'll never have to see that doctor again.
exitsign: oh, but fate is not through with you zach morris!
carleton97: that's right.
carleton97: But I need a good reason for them to meet again now.
exitsign: hmm.
carleton97: which is why I need a job for zach.
exitsign: hmm.
carleton97: or...
carleton97: ok, let's pause and examine Doogie's life since teh show ended in '94.
exitsign: okay.
carleton97: OK, I'm pretty sure he was living on his own and navel gazing his role as child-genius/doctor at the end of the run.
carleton97: I like to imagine he had a early mid-life crisis when he was about 22. (also I'm pushing this whole thing back. Zach and Kelly were married nearly 10 years, so everyone is around 30)
carleton97: Does he want to stay a doctor? What does the world hold for him? blah blah blah, my life is so hard.
exitsign: yeah, it must be hard being a fucking genius.
carleton97: exactly.
carleton97: He meets a woman who says exactly that. They have this whirlwind thing that leaves him, a year later, broken hearted and OMG with a BABY.
carleton97: a;lsdjf;laksdjf
exitsign: OH, GOD, YOU JUST GAVE HIM A BABY. ZACH WANTED A BABY.
carleton97: I hate myself.
exitsign: jsal;ksa;lksa;ksadljdsajksa hdhs;a
exitsign: *holds*
carleton97: anyway, so that totally changes his priorities and he pretty much stops being toolish and decides working crazy insane hours at the hospital are no good and opens the clinic (also I changed my mind and am back to the original timeline)
exitsign: sakljlkas;lksa okay.
carleton97: So here's Doogie, working at his little clinic and raising his ... daughter. He's pretty content. He dates occassionally, but it's hard to find someone who is either a) not overly impressed by teh prodigy thing or b) willing to accept a 3 year old.
carleton97: Plus, one of the things he discovered about himself during his couple of years of late rebellion is that dudes? work just as well for him as the ladies.
exitsign: xlkj yes. maybe he had a manny or something.
exitsign: that didn't end well.
exitsign: can the baby be called sophie? i like sophie.
carleton97: yes. Sophie she is dubbed.
carleton97: manny?
exitsign: male nanny.
exitsign: manny. BRITNEY SPEARS HAS ONE.
carleton97: uhh... ok.
exitsign: it's like charles in charge, dude.
carleton97: Sure.
exitsign: what was charles? LIVE IN MANNY.
exitsign: no, shut up, he was.
carleton97: that actually works. Because here's 23/24 year old Doogie, exhausted from working and being a single parent and the only person he *sees* other than his own parents is Jeff, the manny.
exitsign: and jeff is hot in a really sweet, cornfed sort of way. i think he came to cali to be an actor but, of course, can't act. so he gets work where he can. he had a load of little siblings, you know?
carleton97: right.
carleton97: And he sort of falls into this manny position wiht this hot, young doctor.
exitsign: man, that's so trouble. messing around with the manny.
carleton97: I actually think it ended, but not horribly. LIke they just sort of weirdly drifted into sexing, then drifted out. And then Jeff moved back home to INDIANA.
carleton97: alsdkfj
exitsign: salkljk indiana.
carleton97: right. So that's when Doogie decides to quit at the hospital and to open a little clinic closer to home.
exitsign: there's a nice daycare just down the street or something.
carleton97: And his parents have Sophie for the day when he's working a Saturday at the clinic.
exitsign: yes.
carleton97: And this really extra super hot guy gimps in. And Doogie is sort of wishes it weren't against the rules to date patients. Then teh guy opens his mouth.
exitsign: asljkl;k
exitsign: so how do they get back together?
carleton97: I'm trying to think!
exitsign: what could zach do for a living that would sort of force them back together?
exitsign: hmm.
exitsign: oh! or they could sort of bump into each other at a bar! like, see, the doog isn't really down with that scene but his nurse girl sort of forces him into it. and he's all ewww and zach's all EMOSIGH and then they're like omg and doogie's (i can't not call him doogie) is all "god, not him" but then they talk and zach is totally charming plus, you know, all that shit he said about his ex and his life, it sort of... makes a person feel bad. or something. I HAVE NO IDEA, CARRY ON.
carleton97: Or, hmmm. I sort of like that. OMG. Zack. High. School. Teacher.
exitsign: oh my god, i'm going to slap you 'cross yo face. YES.
carleton97: History. Yes.
carleton97: History?
carleton97: Civics?
exitsign: history, i like that.
carleton97: And the Honors English teacher's sister's husband's cousin has convinced her boss to talk to the honors classes about college and careers etc.
carleton97: because he's a doctor, yo.
exitsign: oh, god, laughing so hard. SO HARD.
carleton97: And zack wants NOTHING MORE THAN TO DIE IN SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION when Dr. Howser walks in.
exitsign: oh, god. there's smirking in my head.
exitsign: so much smirking.
exitsign: also, zach is the fucking hottest teacher EVER.
carleton97: Totally. and Zack can't run away because he's still on crutches.
carleton97: omg, YES.
carleton97: Like you can *hear* teenage girls and gayboys sighing as he walks by.
exitsign: saljlj he sort of thinks there's some kind of weird problem with the vents, possibly brings it up at a faculty meeting, and they're all "..."
carleton97: because he was married then and honestly never even thought about anyone else.
exitsign: DID YOU KNOW THAT MPG CAN SPEAK FLUENT DUTCH?
exitsign: yep.
carleton97: well with a name like Mark-Paul Gosselaar, I'm not surprised.
exitsign: i just thought it was so cool.
exitsign: dutch.
carleton97: heeee.
carleton97: god. i have SBTB and Doogie Howser ep guides open.
exitsign: sajl;kas;kaks;ka;sk;a jkls
exitsign: I WIN.
carleton97: anyway. so Doogie (god, does he have a middle name I can use? Because I HATE doug) gives his talk on college and careers (not mentioning he was in college when he was freaking 9 or whatever because that sort of negates a lot of advice) and Zack is DYING in the back the entire time.
carleton97: Becuase this guy, this STRANGER know shit about him no one else knows.
carleton97: NO ONE.
exitsign: and he's standing here, in front of his class, and-- okay, we have to give zach SOMETHING, i think he's been able to hold it together for his students, the rest of his fucking life is falling apart but not this, he's all together here.
exitsign: GIVE HIM SOMETHING, LEAH.
carleton97: oh, yes. Totally.
carleton97: He LOVES his job and, at this point, it's all he has, so EVEN MORE he's pouring everything into it.
exitsign: oh, zach.
carleton97: His seniors freakign NAILED the AP exams this year, yo.
carleton97: It's like second nature for him to just bury EVERYTHING when he's at school.
exitsign: god, i love this fucking story.
exitsign: he's so much hotter with the darker hair.
carleton97: So he holds it together during the whole presentation and Q&A section and the end of day bell and homework questions and arranging to tutor Carrie Andrews on the Bay of Pigs next week.
carleton97: omg, he's SO HOT with the darker hair.
exitsign: he holds it together through all that. does the doog stick around to chat with him?
exitsign: *JUST PRETENDS THIS IS ZACH DURING THE DIVORCE SHIT* http://www.markpaulgosselaar.net/images/cic/cic13.jpg
exitsign: *SIGHS A LOT*
carleton97: But once he's alone in his classroom and the school has quieted down (except for the music wing - it's never quiet there), he just sort of drops his head onto his desk, not even noticing that Dr. Howser has never made it all the way out the door.
carleton97: *woobie*
exitsign: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
carleton97: yeah. Like, once he *got* that Kelly wanted out for serious, he was just like, 'take whatever you want. I don't want to fight.'
exitsign: *SNIFFLE*
carleton97: Right so he's on freakign crutches and he's got his head propped on his gradebook and he just wants to close his eyes and wake up 18 months ago when he and kelly were planning their vacation to Denver.
exitsign: oh, zach, screech hasn't worked out the time machine thing yet.
carleton97: so someone making a noise pretty much startles the hel out of him.
exitsign: yes.
carleton97: holy crap, he looks like Paul Walker in a couple of these promotional photos.
carleton97: anyway.
carleton97: omg, imagine you're 15 and you walk into your first HS calss and this is sitting there: http://www.markpaulgosselaar.net/images/promo/p015.jpg
exitsign: salkl;k oh, god, underpants on fire.
carleton97: word.
carleton97: this is a lot of pretty in one place: http://www.markpaulgosselaar.net/images/promo/p226.jpg
carleton97: right so Doogie sees this totally forlorn dude just sitting at his desk and decides everyone deserves a second chance, right?
exitsign: yes!
carleton97: so he's all, 'thanks for letting me disturb your lesson plan, mr. morris.'
carleton97: and Zack is all, 'the fuck?' but then he gets it and manages to get the zack morris charm machine back online.
exitsign: *hearts*

carleton97: right, so they're doing a second first impression thing. Doogie because he thinks Mr. Teacher Man is supa hot and Zack because he hates the thought of anyone thinking he's a jakcass.
carleton97: even if he is.
exitsign: asalkjlk
exitsign: this is nice because now zack is no longer a patient and it's not like zach has to worry about, like, doogie being a client or something. this is perfect.
carleton97: so Doogie is putting the flirt on and Zack... probably doesn't notice.
carleton97: because despite all the thinking, I"m not sure if it even would occur to him that the handsome doctor was flirting with him.
exitsign: probably not. he's sort of... not together.
exitsign: plus, you know, *dude*.
carleton97: exactly.
carleton97: But like, subconsciously, he's responding, so Doogie is totally confused.
exitsign: alkjklj oh, god, these two, they're going to kill me with the cute.
exitsign: http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2005/Sep-19-Mon-2005/photos/mother.jpg
carleton97: because I think - omg, I love NPH - Zack maybe doesn't realize in his venting in Doogie's office, he may have mentioned teh whole thinking/slater thing.
exitsign: OH, ZACK.
carleton97: sjo doogie sort of realizes zack is not with it. But he's past the rebound stage.
exitsign: yes.
carleton97: And he's all, "you should have dinner with me and sophie tonight."
carleton97: and Zack is all, sure, ok, thinking he's going to meet the doctor's wife.
exitsign: LITTLE DOES HE KNOW.
carleton97: exactly.
carleton97: so he goes to doogie's house and meets the tiniest cutest child ever. In the way of fanfic kids.
exitsign: i think he meets the super hot, super young babysitter or something when he gets to the house. and he's all "JESUS CHRIST" and then he sees the little girl and he's all "OMG CUTE" and then the babysitter leaves and he's all "bwuh?"
exitsign: http://delivery.gettyimages.com/xc/55964736.jpg?v=1&c=CFW&k=2&d=AB7FB4CF32EF19C054A2D227A4B8D459
carleton97: omg, yes. Doogie totally has the candy stripers from the hospital babysit.
exitsign: askljl;kaksl;ksad;sa
carleton97: omg, I just flailed EVERYWHERE.
exitsign: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
carleton97: YES.
carleton97: And the tiny is brilliant as only the child of a prodigy can be.
carleton97: like, she can't tie her shoes, but she can read.
exitsign: oh, my chest is all clenched up with squee.
carleton97: LOOK AT HER TINY HANDS.
exitsign: I KNOW.
carleton97: she's got a little cough, you see.
exitsign: yes. yes, she does.
carleton97: not phlegmy, just enough for cute little coughs.
exitsign: yes. the cutest coughs ever to be coughed, in fact.
exitsign: SHE COVERS HER MOUTH WITH HER TINY LITTLE FIST WHEN SHE COUGHS. WHICH IS THE CUTEST THING EVER.
carleton97: so the super hot nurse/babysitter leaves and Doogie is all, 'make sure sophie doesn't burn the house down' and he goes to change (Zack followed him home).
carleton97: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe
exitsign: omg flaaaaail.
carleton97: And they just stare at each other for a minute before she's all, (ina teeeeeeny tiny voice), "Your leg must hurt. Would you like to sit down?"
exitsign: OH GOD
exitsign: http://delivery.gettyimages.com/xc/55964793.jpg?v=1&c=CFW&k=2&d=AB7FB4CF32EF19C02393B748BDDD48C2
carleton97: and she leads him over to a chair and pushes a foot stool over and pats his leg when it's all propped up then climbs up on to the couch - omg CUTE - arm closest to him and asks what he does.
exitsign: dsjlsak and he's sort of like "..." but he's cool, he's zach morris, and he's all "well."
exitsign: and this is what doogie comes back to. zach and sophie discussing his job.
carleton97: oh, but I forgot the part earlier, when they're first introduced and she shakes his hand, but can only reach around one of his fingers1
exitsign: COMPLETELY RANDOM BUT SOPHIE HAS A TINY WHITE DOCTOR'S COAT AND CLIPBOARD AND AT SOME POINT SHE MUST BE ALL RUNNING AROUND BEING A DOCTOR. OH, OH, NO, HE'S GOT THEM HANGING UP AT THE CLINIC AND ONE DAY SHE'S GOT TO COME WITH HIM BECAUSE, LIKE, HIS MOM IS RUNNING LATE OR SOMETHING. OH OH HE GETS ZACH TO COME PICK HER UP. THIS IS, LIKE, DOWN THE ROAD A BIT.
exitsign: OMG FINGER SHAKE FLAIL.
carleton97: eeeeeeeeeeeeee tiny coat!
exitsign: a real stethoscope though. he got her a little toy one but she was not having that shit.
carleton97: right, so Sophie is sort of a test for Doogie, ok? Like if the people he dates are ok with the *idea* of a kid, --
carleton97: OMG YES --
exitsign: she is totally the test. it's actually, see, even if they like her? she's got to like them.
exitsign: like, it's a double test thing. two birds.
carleton97: but how they interact with her determines if there's another date. Because he's got no time for people who tbaby talk or treat her like a tardo puppy.
exitsign: yes. or like she's, you know, going to disease them.
exitsign: or like she's some freak and can't get over how smart she is.
carleton97: And there's that level of it too, but they've got to be able to comprehend that she's not 'normal'
exitsign: he always hated when people treated him that way.
carleton97: but not treat her like a freakshow.
exitsign: yes. like maybe there's a comment of "she's really smart" and doogie's like "yeah" or whatever but then zach is sort of just like "hmm. so anyway." or whatever. like it's not an issue for him. he's not going to harp on it.
exitsign: which is like AND LO THE ANGELS SANG.
carleton97: yes.
exitsign: god, i LOVE THIS FUCKING STORY. YOU BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT BITCH.
carleton97: so they eat dinnerand it's very nice and homey and Zack is sort of being EATEN ALIVE WITH ENVY because homg this is all he wants, you know?
exitsign: yes. except for the missing wife, this is it.
carleton97: but he pushes that aside the best he can so he can enjoy being read a chapter of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle by a 3 year old.
exitsign: oh, heart.
carleton97: but even tiny genius girls get tired pretty quickly and there's one gigantic yawn that escapes her hand and she looks over at the clock and is all, 'it's past my bedtime, Daddy.' and he's all, 'oh my goodness, it is! Say good night to Mr. Zack and go put your pjs on. I'll be in in a second to help you brush your teeth."
carleton97: I for reals love you too.
exitsign: omg, bedtime. aww. which will leave the two of them alone.
carleton97: so she toddles over to Zack and is all "good night Mr. Zack" and holds out her hand again and he shakes it very carefully and is all, "good night Miss Sophie," and she scampers off to put her blue and green pjs on because it's Thursday and thursday is blue and green pj night.
exitsign: oh, god, i might die.
carleton97: and they boys are all, thank you, no thank you and shuffling towards the door and there's a voice in the back of Zack's head that's all, 'this feels like a date ending. why does this feel like a date ending? OMG WTFBBQ?'
exitsign: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
exitsign: kiss? KISS?
carleton97: I was just going to ask you!
exitsign: I WISH FOR A KISS.
exitsign: perhaps doogie is all "this is the part where we kiss" or something and zach is just so stunned and omg that he doesn't say no and then KISSING.
exitsign: it's, like, totally innocent but it, OMG I'M FLAILING INSIDE, makes his whole body tingle. like nothing has since, like, THE FIRST TIME HE KISSED KELLY.
exitsign: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
exitsign: this story/me=otp.
carleton97: but yeah, Doogie walks him to the front door, but not his car because he's not going to leave sophie alone in the house even for a few minutes, so they're hovering by the door and doogie is all, 'this was nice, i'd like to do this again.' and zack is all, 'omg yes how I've missed being in a home not just my apartment' so doogie gives him one of his cards with the clinic and his home info on it (b/c he's got zack's info from when he was at the clinic) and zack puts the card in his pocket then omg LIPS! ON HIS! and - YES - totally tingly and innocent and doogie is smiling at him and saying good night and somehow he's in his car and WTF just happened!?
exitsign: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
exitsign: he sits in the fucking DRIVEWAY, just staring at the dash.
exitsign: for, like, two minutes.
carleton97: blinking.
exitsign: OMG AND STILL TINGLES.
exitsign: and thinking how good he smelled.
carleton97: and he gets home and calls jessie and DOESN'T EVEN CARE IT'S LATER ON TEH EAST COAST, I'M HAVING A CRISIS HERE.
carleton97: mmmmm
exitsign: all the doctors zach had ever known had always smelled so funky and hospitaly.
exitsign: and she's all !!!
carleton97: Yes, but Doogie smelled like fabric softner and some sort of spicy soap.
exitsign: nnngh
exitsign: random but i just had the scene in my head of when they get to his house. doogie is all "hey, anybody home?" and babysitter is all "in the kitchen!" just as baby voice is all "DADDY!" and zach who is standing behind him is all stomach dropping sigh and thinking that he NEVER SHOULD HAVE AGREED to this. and then the whole thing with the babysitter being HOT AS FUCK and about TWELVE and then bwuh? because babysitter is packing up her books (BOOKS?) and saying "bye, dr howser" and doogie all lifting the little ball of adorable up and giving her squeezes and kisses and "this is my daughter sophie, sophie this is mr zach." AND FINGER SHAKE, "how do you do?"
carleton97: YES. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT GOES IN MY HEAD.
exitsign: WE ARE AS ONE.
carleton97: right. so Jessie has to talk him down off the ledge.
exitsign: salkj yes.
exitsign: they've been friends forEVER and she KNOWS zach. but i don't think she knows the slater thing and for a minute she's all "lsakjkj my boyfriend?"
carleton97: and, because it's her, she's on her laptop trying to find info on this mysterious Dr. Howser that's trhown her best frriend for a loop.
exitsign: and, of course, there's hella info. and they're both all "!!!!!!"
carleton97: and there's a shit ton out there because , exactly!
carleton97: (plus, he had cancer as a kid, so that's always up in there too)
exitsign: awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
carleton97: WHY DO I REMEMBER SO MUCH ABOUT DOOGIE HOWSER?
exitsign: IT LIVES INSIDE US. HOW DO I REMEMBER THAT THEY FOUND OIL ON THE BAYSIDE FOOTBALL FIELD? HOW DO I REMEMBER EXACTLY HOW MIKEY SMILES AND EXACTLY THE WAY NIKKI WEARS HER HAIR?
exitsign: i mean, seriously.
carleton97: so they're on the phone forEVER before Zack is finally calm and able to discuss this like a grown up.
exitsign: yes. without panic attacking.
exitsign: i think she's all for this relationship. but zach is putting his heels in.
carleton97: but somehow it's still a mystery how, when he hangsup the phone, she's convinced him to call Doogie tomorrow.
carleton97: laskdjf
exitsign: sal,jlkj yes.
carleton97: but, he KNOWS that Jessie will know if he doesn't and will fly her ass cross country to tear him a new one.
exitsign: sajkmkj so fucking totally. she just wants him to be happy, you know? which is what she wants for kelly too, which is why she supported kelly's choice. because kelly WASN'T HAPPY. but now zach needs her and the time for being sort of mad at him for wanting kelly to stick around even though she was unhappy is gone. i think that by the time he does call, even after all the talking, he's managed to work up this whole thing where he says "hey, you're cool, i love your kid, but i'm not gay" only it doesn't come out like that. because the second he hears doogie's voice he's all TEENAGE GIRL inside.
exitsign: god, i keep looking at the picture of sophie and going all FLAILY.
carleton97: I KNOW.
carleton97: Yes! The call he planned on making and the call he makes are TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
carleton97: he *wanted* to be all, 'so you totally surprised me last night and I don't wanna lead you on because I"m straight, right?' but instead he's all, 'the cheerleaders are throwing a carnival for a fundraiser...'
exitsign: i love how i'm able to, like, force you into these places with my retarded squee.
exitsign: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
carleton97: because I'm so hard to manuever.
exitsign: "there's going to be one of those space walk things, sophie might like that."
carleton97: so they make plans for that Sunday at the carnival.
carleton97: EEEEE
carleton97: But it doesn't stop Doogie from picking pu the phone the *next* night.
exitsign: oh, i'm like a fucking anime character, there are hearts floating around my head.
exitsign: god, i'm like choking on joy.
carleton97: To see if maybe Zack wanted join then for dinner on Saturday. Because he's making chili.
carleton97: or something.
exitsign: and, like, what, the first dinner was on, like, wednesday?
carleton97: and Zack is all, 'omg more kissing?' and he's all fluttery inside like a big girl, but manages to keep it together.
carleton97: Yeah, Wednesday.
exitsign: eeeeeeeeeeeee
carleton97: and then Zack calls on Friday to see if he should bring anything.
exitsign: THEY TALK EVERY FUCKING DAY. AND THEY'RE GOING TO EAT DINNER TOGETHER ON SATURDAY AND THEN SPEND, LIKE, THE WHOLE DAY TOGETHER ON SUNDAY.
exitsign: OH, FUCKING FLAIL.
exitsign: FUCKING FLAAAIL.
carleton97: 'kjalkj;lkjasdf
exitsign: at the carnival, all the kids are like "MR MORRIS! -- "MR MORRIS." -- "HEY MR MORRIS." every time they turn around some teenager is saying hi, waving, coming up to give him hugs (girls) or handshakes and high fives and shit (boys) and it's, like, this is his ELEMENT.
exitsign: seeing him in his element is, like, the hottest thing EVER.
carleton97: so it's dinner time on Saturdayand they eat and watch March of the Penguins because Sophie loves it more than anything in all the world even though she falls asleep an hour into it with her little face mashed up against doogie's ribs and her little feet jabbed into Zacks on the couch.
carleton97: WAIT, I"M NOT ON SUNDAY YET>
exitsign: sakljklsalj i'm sorry, i had to get it out!
carleton97: but yes exactly.
exitsign: i think that this shit is what zach loves. like he loves the carnival thing but he'd rather be back at doogie's house, watching tv with sophie. but sophie is having a BLAST (all the teenage girls love her, you know) and doogie is totally falling even HARDER seeing him being, like, mr favorite teacher ever.
exitsign: TELL ME MORE ABOUT SATURDAY.
carleton97: right, so Doogie says to be there early, like 4, if he wants, and Zack can't help it and is there at like 3:59 and the chili/soup/lasagne/whatever isn't done yet, but sophie has a ginormous lego table she's playing at so they play legos until dinner time.
carleton97: after they put the movie in and Sophie spends 45 minutes standing on the couch, leaning on Zack, telling him everytyhing in the world about penguins and antarctica (or is it th earctic? I can never remember) until her batteries just run out and she flops down , sprawled across the two of them.
carleton97: She snores.
exitsign: maybe we should do the carnival the following saturday? that would spread the relationship out a bit more, more talking on the phone for completely FAKE reasons (as in, "hey, i was wondering if i should bring anything?" and "oh, so, i was wondering if you had any food allergies." and "you know, i completely spaced what i was supposed to bring, did you want wheat bread or...") and, um, build up.
exitsign: antarctica, i think.
exitsign: omg, passing out penguin girl.
carleton97: yes, that's good.
exitsign: i think between chili saturday and carnival saturday they both kind of run out of reasons to call. but they both want to. but they don't. so it's from, like, tuesday to friday or possibly just saturday morning when they meet up or whatever that they don't actually speak and they're both going NUTS. and zach can't help but be so fucking EXCITED to see them both again.
carleton97: so they're sitting on the couch, pretty close together , a passed out little girl on their laps and Zack thinks that it's the happiest he's been in YEARS. and he looks up from where he's been watching his hand nearly cover sophie's back to tell Doogie that he's *right* there.
carleton97: (omg, YES on the phone calls, or lack there of)
exitsign: he spends forEVER trying to decide what to wear. and he's all "OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS SO GAY." and jessie is on the phone and she's all "AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHHA, WHATEVER. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GIRL ABOUT CLOTHES, ZACH." and he's all "BUT THIS IS GIRL ABOUT CLOTHES FOR MY DATE WITH A MAN."
carleton97: alsdkjfal;skdjf
exitsign: oh, god, the image of the three of them on the couch, the tv sort of turned down and the lights low, it's so fucking homey and sweet. oh, god, my teeth hurt just thinking about it.
carleton97: and there's a baby between them, so it's just simple kisses again, maybe a hand resting on his neck, but it's so *good*.
exitsign: *WIBBLE*
exitsign: *WIBBLE ALL OVER WIBBLE LIKE OMG I'M GOING TO CRY AND FLAIL AND CRY FROM THE SWEET*
carleton97: And he doesn't even really mind when Sophie flails in her sleep and boots him square in the ribs.
exitsign: salkjlkj i think they both laugh and zach's all "ahah *ow*" and doogie's all "you should see a doctor about that." and that's all "yeah? you know any?" and doogie's all "a few" and MORE KISSING.
carleton97: but that sort of breaks the mood and he's all, 'i should get on home.' and doogie pulls sophie with him as he stands and she's all floppy and dead weight against one shoulder and when Zack stands up, Doogie uses his other arm and pulls him in for morre kissing and there's a quick flash of tongue before they say goodnight.
exitsign: *melts*
carleton97: so they talk on sunday and monday, but neither can make up a reason again until the carnival, right.
exitsign: and the carnival is carnival stuff. they both sort of keep their distance with the touching because, even though it could be sort of easy to guess that they're together together, you don't, you know, do gay hand-holding at a high school function in front of students and staff.
carleton97: exactly.
exitsign: so that's ANOTHER thing that's missing for zach, i think.
exitsign: another reason he'd rather be at their place.
carleton97: and he had non invasive surgery on his knee so he's lost the crutches and just has a brace now.
carleton97: yes.
exitsign: yes! just the brace.
exitsign: i think they get a couple of the freshman girls to take sophie into the moonwalk thing and doogie is all "UM BUT" but zach and sophie are both "*pats him* it'll be fine."
exitsign: i think he's a wee but overprotective.
carleton97: which makes it possible for Sophie to grab his hand and drag him to things.
carleton97: YES>
carleton97: yes.
exitsign: he knows she's smart but she's way tiny!
exitsign: his tiny!
exitsign: they totally win her this boatload of stuffed toys and candy and, like, necklaces and big fat rings AND A PAIR OF GIANT SUNGLASSES BECAUSE EVERY LITTLE GIRL NEEDS A PAIR OF THOSE.
carleton97: Zack is all, "Maria! Carrie! C'mere!" And they're all, "Yes, Mr. Morris?" and he's all, "You think Sophie here can go in the space walk?" and they're all, "Yup, it's under 4's for the next 1/2 hour!"
carleton97: BIG SUNGLASSES
exitsign: so cute. SO CUTE. OMG.
exitsign: she has the best time and doogie is, like, ready to spring into action, like looking around for possible things to use to staunch the blood flow.
exitsign: he'd never imagined he'd be THAT KIND of dad but, well, he never had a kid before either.
carleton97: And Zack thinks it's ADORABLE. Because, dude, he's a public school teacher. He knows from bad parents.
exitsign: he totally does.
exitsign: god, they're both like totally IN WUB with each other already.
carleton97: and like Doogie has to hit the men's room before she's done and he's all "!!!" and Zack is all, 'chill' and he goes and she comes running out of the bouncy and she's all flushed and excited and her little arms are all demanding "up up up!" so Zack just picks her up and she's all, 'did you see? I was *bouncing*. Did Daddy see? Is he in the restroom? I was BOUNCING, Mr. Zack! I always want to on the bed, but daddy says no, but I was BOUNCING.'
exitsign: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW HEART CLENCH.
carleton97: WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS TO DOOGIE WHEN HAPPENS UP ON THIS SCENE.
exitsign: FLAIL
carleton97: And then Sophie sees him and is all, "DADDY! I was BOUNCING!" and she leans over and they transfer her between them and it's all close and intimate and they've got to shake it off. By the time she's done telling her story, Sophie is tired and they're all hungry for real food, so they go to Zack's apartment because it's closer and make spaghetti while sophie naps on the couch.
exitsign: the apartment is, i think, nice. it's not some rundown shithole. but zach is sort of like "blehhh" about it because, like, he's seen THEIR HOUSE. which is massive and fucking beautiful with these big windows and open spaces and huge comfortable sofas and shit. and, like, it's open and big, but clearly a HOME at the same time. so his apartment is like awful in comparison, he thinks. but they, of course, don't even notice.
carleton97: so there is probably kissing during the spaghetti making. Lots of kissing. and when it's nearly done, doogie goes in to wake up Sophieand she's all sleepy eyed adn drowsy as she stumbles into the kitchen, with only doogie's hand on her head directing her.
exitsign: ohhh.
exitsign: *bites lip*
carleton97: She *may* detour to hug Zack's leg before climbing up on to a chair. They eat dinner and then Zack challenges sophie to a game of scrabble while Doogie does the dishes (he insisted) and then Sophie is yawning and it's time to head home and Zack isn't sure what to do since Sophie is awake. Does he kiss Doogie goodbye? or just hug him? Or nothing? or -
exitsign: OR OR??
carleton97: Sophie's easy. She demands up again and hugs around his neck smelling like cotton candy adn spaghetti and little kid and says, 'thank you for the carnival, Mr. Zack" and kisses him on the cheek before she kick a little to be let down. She sits down on the ground to pull her shoes on, smiling up at Daddy adn Mr. Zack and *still* he doesn't know what to do, but doogie just kisses him softly and pulls him close for a moment and then they're both gone and Zack realizes he forgot just how much he *hated* the apartment while they were there.
exitsign: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
carleton97: and omg, I've got to go to BED.
exitsign: we plotted this out for, like, FOUR HOURS though.